Agent W007 is at it Again!
by Pythia
Summary: Now it's Harry who's acting a bit strange. And once again, Ron is on the case. Warnings: H/D slashy, mild R/Hr, Articulate!Ron, Egocentric!Ron


Another one of those PWP ficlets. Not NC-17, or else I would have rated it that. Duh. And just like the last one, its pretty much just an elongated plot bunny. In other words, you'll probably find it short and stupid.  
No, they're not mine. I merely hired (kidnapped) them to participate in my Evil Machinations™.  
  
---  
  
Agent W007: Ronald Weasley  
Case: #43202  
The H Files  
  
Warnings: Harry/Draco, a further case of Articulate!Ron with a side of Egocentric!Ron, which I forgot to mention in the first one I made…  
  
---  
  
::beep::  
  
"Eugh… Shaddup… 'M eating…"  
  
::beep, beep::  
  
"Keep quiet, dammit!"  
  
::beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep::  
  
"ARG!!! Alright, alright, jeez!!!"  
  
~he clears his throat~  
  
"Gryffindor table— March the 8th— breakfast time, 9:43 am, to be precise."  
  
"It's already 9:45, actually…"  
  
"*Herm*…"  
  
~she laughs, stopping her process of food mutilation~  
  
"Weasley, here. Ron Weasley."  
  
~Hermione begins to hum the James Bond theme song again~  
  
"Will you stop that!?"  
  
~she just giggles~  
  
"Right. Anyway, remember me? The strikingly attractive youth of the Weasley Department of Mysteries?"  
  
"Oooooooh, Agent W007!!!"  
  
~she pretends to swoon~  
  
~he glares~  
  
"Yes, quite right. Agent W007. I have now started a new investigation, concerning my affiliate's behaviour. Mind you, it is quite analogous to my previous study of the WT Files. Keeping that in mind, I have deemed this… err… research the H Files. Nothing to do with the X files, I assure, but I suppose it's just as mysterious."  
  
~he takes a deep breath~  
  
"You see..."  
  
~he looks warily around the room~  
  
~he seems satisfied with what he sees~  
  
"My associate has begun to act peculiarly, to a certain extent. His gazes have been wandering off to who-knows-where— well, alright, I admit I wasn't being very truthful about that. Essentially, his glances have frequently been focused entirely on Slytherin's Sexiest Bastard™. Not that *I* think he's sexy, of course. I'm perfectly straight. I'm only basing my statements on the reactions of hormonal females as he passes by in all his slimy git glory."  
  
"But Ronniekins! Admit it! He's unbelievably *HOT*!"  
  
"Hey! 'Mione! I thought you said *I* was hot!"  
  
"You are hot! It's just that he's *unbelievably* hot!"  
  
~Ron huffs~  
  
~Hermione smirks uncharacteristically~  
  
"Don't worry, I'll make it up to you tonight."  
  
~he looks hopeful~  
  
"Really???"  
  
~she grins~  
  
"Yeah! I'll do your homework for you!"  
  
~he pouts because he dumped his mind into the gutter for nothing~  
  
~she snickers~  
  
"Whatever. Just make sure I get top marks."  
  
"You doubt me?"  
  
"Well, since you're not Hermione, but Evil Hermione™… Yes, I doubt you."  
  
~she snorts, then goes back to stabbing her scrambled eggs~  
  
"Right. My compatriot, Harry—"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
~Ron yelps~  
  
~Harry raises an eyebrow~  
  
"W-when did *you* get here!?"  
  
"A few seconds ago, why?"  
  
"Uh, nothing… Forget it…"  
  
~he blinks, then shrugs~  
  
"Okaaaaay."  
  
~Ron curses, then resumes eating his breakfast~  
  
***  
  
Ron POV  
  
Damn him and his stupid ability to pop seemingly out of nowhere and frighten the living shit out of me… I sigh, shoving a sausage into my mouth, almost missing it due to the fact that I am concentrated wholly on observing my colleague. He has once again zoned out, staring earnestly at He-Who-I-Do-Not-Wish-To-Name-But-Am-Sure-You-Already-Know. He looks… smitten. I shudder at the thought. He doesn't notice, which is good. Very good. Really good. How dare he not notice that his gorgeous best friend is utterly disgusted at his choice of people to look fixedly at!?  
  
I inhale deeply. It's not his fault, it's not his fault… It's all bloody Malfoy: The Super Twat's fault. There. That's better. And it will be even more so when I find out the source of his Draco-dazes. He's probably just incredibly happy and gay with all the happy and gay prospects he has in which to happily and gay-ly (gaily) ruin PratBoy's life.  
  
I blink.  
  
Hey… is Harry gay!?  
  
Eep-achu. Nasty thought. Bad Ron.  
  
BAM. BAM.  
  
Veeeery bad Ron.  
  
Harry turns and gives me a questioning look. He's probably wondering why I'm banging my head on the table… I give him a reassuring smile. It's nothing. Really. He nods, then regresses into another stupor.  
  
I'm *definitely* going to find out what's wrong with him. Tonight. Hah, think I'm oblivious to the world, eh!? Well, think again! I, the great Agent W007, know *all*.   
  
Well, mostly all, anyway.  
  
I have observed that my comrade has been vanishing into the night, returning only when the sounds of Neville's snoring have almost lulled me to sleep. But I persevere, for the talented agent W007 does not know the meaning of 'quit'! Unless it comes from my (un)faithful sidekick Evil Hermione™… But that's a different story… After all, who wouldn't submit to Ms. Dominatrix? Erk. I think I gave TMI, there… Ehehe… Forget about that Hermione thing, ok? Ok.  
  
Anyway. Tonight.  
  
***  
  
I am lying in my bed, the curtains half-drawn, feigning sleep. I watch him slip his cloak on, and go out the door, before slinking out after him. I have stuck a bit of parchment onto the silvery material so that I would have less hard a time in tracking him down. The only thing I have to worry about is speed. He's a slippery little fellow.  
  
I vacate our dorm, just in time seeing the paper flutter out the portrait hole. I wait a few seconds before following him. I am extra careful, concealing myself behind suit of armors and other Hogwarts paraphernalia. He takes no heed of me, proving that I am indeed Master of Stealth. I beam to myself; no one can outdo the amazing Agent W007!  
  
Ha ha!  
  
I laugh inwardly, knowing that if I vocalized my chortle, I would disclose my presence to him.  
  
After minutes of painstaking caution, we halt in front of what appears to be the entrance of the Prefects' Bathroom. I should know, Hermi took me there once… I smile at the memory.  
  
Guardedly I enter, as quickly as I can, ducking behind a large marble counter protruding from the base of the wall holding a painting of a mermaid. It was near the entrance, so it was the most plausible place to be secreted. It's probably used to hold towels or something…  
  
Fortunately, Harry didn't notice. He seemed to be occupied with somebody in the pool-like tub. I tremble just considering who it might be.  
  
From my hiding place, I can't see anything because there was no opening or anything under the counter's tabletop. I inaudibly mutter a charm I learned from Hermione.  
  
"Aspicio."  
  
It lets you see through a solid object, without whatever (or whoever, for that matter), you're looking at seeing you. I think she got it from this book she had… From what I recall, it was entitled "A Wizard's Guide to Magical Voyeurism". Figures. She's not Hermione, after all. She's Evil Hermione™.  
  
I gaze at the cool marble now, where a shimmering square has formed. In it, I can see shapes forming until they have cleared and are identifiable as the unmistaken forms of Harry, of course, and…  
  
Dun dun dun…  
  
Draco Malfoy. I just *knew* it was him. My instincts alone told me that from the day I first saw Harry staring. I'm starting to hate it when my instincts are right. They can lead to traumatizing events. Like…  
  
BLOODY HELL!!!  
  
LIKE *NOW*!!!!  
  
I can feel my eyes widening as Malfoy pulls my best friend into a soul-searing kiss. They are locked in a passionate embrace, mouths pressed together, and I can see their tongues warring and swapping saliva… Another bad thought of the day.  
  
Slowly and sensually, the blonde peels off Harry's clothing, roughly thrusting them aside. Oh my.  
  
I don't want to know what happens next.  
  
In fact, I *won't* know what happens next.  
  
Why? Because I'm going into a coma.  
  
Oh, too late! I *am* in a coma. Good night.  
  
~End  
  
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R&R? Wouldn't mind if you didn't, but would be very happy if you did.  
By the way, you've probably noticed that I kind of warped the appearance of the Prefects' Bathroom. 


End file.
